The Ashley Madison affair

Ashley Madison is an online dating service specifically for people who are married or in a relationship. It is owned by Avid Life Media which is a Canadian company.

It is reported that on 12 July 2015 several employees at Avid Life Media logged into their computers and were confronted by a message from hackers. The message said that the hackers had stolen personal information about the website’s users and threatened to release users’ names and information to identify them if Ashley Madison was not immediately shut down. According to reports the message was accompanied by a soundtrack of AC/DC’s 1990 hit ‘Thunderstruck’.

The hackers, calling themselves ‘The Impact Team’ apparently stole details of 33 million accounts of users all over the world with an estimated 1.2 million users in the UK. If that is right then it would amount to about 5% of the married UK population.

On 18 and 20 August those details were put on the internet. The details include the personal information of people who are said to have paid an extra fee for their data to be completely removed from the website. It is undoubtedly a gripping story.

The hacking itself sounds like a scene from Sherlock or James Bond, and at the moment the motivation of the hackers is unclear.

There is also an element of Schadenfreude. People who went out of their way to be dishonest to their spouses have been caught out.

To most people, it seems a mixture of bizarre and sad that there would be so much of a market for people who want to have an affair. If people are unhappy or bored with their spouse, why not address that first?

We are relatively familiar with the concept that people can accidentally become attracted to someone other than their partner and then choose to act on that. However it seems strange that someone would deliberately plan an affair, to the extent of registering with a website to find someone to have an affair with. Here people seemed to be seeking out an affair for the sake of having an affair, rather than for the sake of the other person.

For people who are affected by this though, these are real considerations and they need to now make very hard decisions about their relationships.

Many people face these same issues every day, even if in not such a high profile way. When people find out about affairs, or are told about them, they can feel ‘thunderstruck’. There are examples of spouses leaving the family home with just a note after 30 years of marriage, people receiving text messages sent to them in error or walking into a room at the wrong moment.

They do not know what to do from that point.

What to do if you find out your partner is having an affair

The first thing you need to do is to talk to your spouse. An affair, or discontentment with the marriage, does not necessarily mean the marriage has irretrievably broken down. How does the other person feel? Do they want the relationship to end? Do you?

You then need to explore how you feel about the relationship. Rather than deciding quickly that the marriage has broken down, sometimes it can be worth ‘letting the dust settle’ and really thinking about whether you can forgive, and whether they want to do so.

It might well be that you can explore the reasons for the affair which if dealt with could mean that in future you have a successful and fulfilling marriage. It is certainly worth exploring whether there is anything that can be done to help you and your spouse to share and then take practical steps to improve your relationship. Relate are specialists in helping with this, or there is support on websites such as http://beyondaffairs.com.

Seeing a solicitor

If you find that you cannot continue with the marriage then it is worth seeing a solicitor for legal advice.

Many people expect that wives whose husbands’ names appear on the Ashley Madison list will be able to divorce relying on the fact of their husband’s adultery. However this is unlikely to be the case.

‘Adultery’ is the voluntary sexual intercourse between a man and a woman who are not married to each other but one of whom is a married person. This means you cannot rely on adultery if your spouse has had sex with someone else of the same sex.

In order to divorce based on the fact of your spouse’s adultery, you need to prove firstly that adultery has taken place and also that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse. The mere fact of being registered on the Ashley Madison website does not prove that adultery has taken place.

In order to prove the adultery, the easiest way to proceed is for your spouse to admit the adultery within the divorce forms. This is relatively simple and straightforward and does not affect your spouse’s financial claims in any way.

If your spouse will not admit his adultery, but has committed adultery, then it is possible to prove this by providing evidence of, for example, cohabitation which shows an opportunity to commit adultery along with an inclination to commit it. The evidence of an enquiry agent could be used.

You also need to show that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse. If you continue to live with your spouse for six months or more after you know about the adultery, then you cannot rely on adultery, unless the adultery is continuing, because it appears that you could continue to live with your spouse. If you suspect, but do not know for sure, then this does not count as ‘knowing’ about the adultery.

For all these reasons, in the situation where spouses’ names appear on the Ashley Madison list, or if your spouse will not admit adultery, it is likely to be better to petition for divorce based on your spouse’s ‘unreasonable behaviour’. You would use the same facts to show your spouse’s behaviour is so unreasonable that you can no longer bear to live with them.

You would say something such as: “On 20 August 2015 I read my husband’s name on the list of subscribers to the Ashley Madison infidelity website. When I confronted my husband he admitted that he had subscribed to the website which made me feel extremely hurt and angry. I feel I no longer have any trust in my husband and I cannot bear to live with him any longer. I believe that the marriage has now irretrievably broken down.”

A concern many people have is that if they admit to adultery the financial settlement will be affected. However, the Court does not take adultery into account when making financial settlements. This is sometimes quite controversial, because often the injured party can feel it is unfair that a spouse who commits adultery can be rewarded in the financial settlement. The reason for this, however, is that the Court cannot really make moral decisions about the breakdown of the relationship.

If you have decided that the marriage is over and you want to get divorced following an affair, then it really is important to deal with your feelings about the end of the marriage. Many people hope that Court proceedings will provide them with justice and that they will feel better about the hurt they experience if their cheating spouse gets judged by the Court. It is important to know this will not happen. The Court is only there to divide the assets, including capital, pension, and income, between you to try to reach a fair settlement based on your needs, resources and contributions. People who have not dealt with how they feel about the end of the relationship can spend a lot of money and feel extremely frustrated at the end of the process. It is very important to see a counsellor and address those feelings, so that you are in the right place to make financial decisions.

A good solicitor will guide you towards a divorce and financial settlement that suits you. This may need to be in your own time and with advice from other professionals as necessary along the way. The main point to remember is that the period of hurt and shock following revelations like this will not last forever. It is good to get good advice on dealing with your situation now so that you are set up well for your future.

essence info

Eleanora Newbery can be contacted on 01932 590500 or at Eleanora.Newbery@mundays.co.uk.
For more information on divorce and family matters or to discover more about the personally tailored service Mundays can offer or Mundays’ mediation service please contact a member of the Mundays Family department.

Mundays LLP
Cedar House, 78 Portsmouth Road, Cobham KT11 1AN
Telephone: 01932 590500

More information about Resolution, Mediation, Collaborative Law and Arbitration can be found at:
www.mundays.co.uk
www.resolution.org.uk
www.thefma.co.uk
www.collabfamilylawsurrey.co.uk
www.ifla.org.uk

Relate
Telephone: 0300 100 1234
Website: www.relate.org.uk